It had been seven months since the phone call.  Click.  And just like that, sixteen years with him was over.  He was gone.  She felt strange, and wondered why she didn't cry this time, didn't feel anything, really.  All she had to do now was try to start over.  That's it, girl, be tough.  Start a new life, have another go at it.  Take all those feelings, those memories of the past sixteen years and put 'em in a big-ass box and slam the lid.  Padlock it, and walk away without looking back. She had waited long enough, that was for sure.  Waited on him, waited for him, listened to his promises that he would always love her, that he would always take care of her.  He wouldn't ever let anything bad get to her, he'd protect her from everything.  And she had trusted him without question, and loved him beyond all reason.  And he still didn't recognize what she had sacrificed for him.  Then, at the one time in her life that she needed him most, he just....hung up.  He had abadoned her.

 

And so, it was over now.  All she felt now was contempt, anger.  It surprised her, because she had never felt this way before, so detached from a situation.  She was always the emotional one, felt everything, usually too much. She wondered if this was a normal reaction, or if this was what a nervous breakdown felt like. She tried to decide if she regretted the years and years she spent with him.  Oddly, she couldn't decide one way or the other.  It was almost like standing outside a window, watching someone else's life.  Like when you sit around at a bar or a restaurant and watch people and wonder what their lives are like; wonder what's happened to them in their lives, what they've seen and done and been through. Sometimes she could see it in their eyes, sometimes not. Surely she wasn't the only one who felt terrified most of the time.  Someone else had to know what it was like use all your strength to keep from screaming.  She wouldn't allow herself to cry, or scream, or feel anything.  She knew if she did, she might never stop.  So she thrust her chin outward, almost daring life to go ahead and take another shot at her.  Just try to knock me down, she thought.  Go ahead, gimme your best shot.  I'm tough now, like Teflon-coated steel.  I can take it.

 

She had even started seeing someone else.  Just jumped right back on the carousel at forty.  She only hoped that he didn't want kids.  She was too old now, too sick and too tired.  She could barely take care of herself, much less a baby.  Besides, the illness and her age made it all but impossible.  The doctors had said so.  Not that she never wanted kids.  When she was younger, she did.  She always thought her life at forty would be a husband, children, a family of her own.  The whole white-picket-fence crap.  But somehow, there was always some reason to wait.  Her choices had gotten in the way.  She laughed bitterly at the thought of it now.  Foolish girl, she thought.  What made you think you'd have that dream?  Read too many books and watched too many movies that had a happy ending and thought that was how her life would be.  Of course, she realized now that not everyone gets to have the happy ending. It was okay, she had accepted it.  You can't look facts in the face and then try to deny them.  All you can do is be glad it's not worse, and try to do the best you can with what you've got.

 

She never saw it coming.  It was a Thursday morning.  And all of sudden, everything that had happened in her life, most especially the last two years, hit her full force.  The reality of it all slammed into her like a wrecking ball and she felt like she was being crushed to death, she couldn't breathe.  The shock of it caused her to drop to her knees.  The box flew open, and all the things she had tried to deny came flying at her like bricks. The illness, and what it taken from her. All the bad choices and wrong decisions.  So many mistakes. She had not grieved for all that she had lost, just tried to keep moving the whole time, thinking it wouldn't catch up to her.  But it was upon her now, and she couldn't dodge the bricks flying at her head.  She heard a high-pitched, keening sound and wondered what the hell it was and why it wouldn't stop.  To her horror, she realized it was her, screaming, sobs pouring out of her like vomit, harsh and acid.  No, no, it couldn't be me, she thought, I can't even breathe, much less scream.  But she knew it was her, and she crawled around on the floor and prayed to God to help her stand it.  Help me God.  Help me stand this pain.  This is worse than anything else, this fear, this knowing that this was her life now.  It was what she had tried to deny all this time.  The disbelief and denial of it all had been what kept her going, and now that she could truly see and feel it she wondered where she would find strength anymore.  And of course, the guilt came rushing in like a river washing over her.  It filled her eyes and ears, rushed into her mouth and tasted as bitter as gall.  She choked and gagged on it, reminding herself to be thankful for what she had left as she spit it out. 

 

And when it was over, she lay there on the floor, spent.  She slowly stood up and looked at herself in the mirror.  Her past lay at her feet like so many shards of shattered glass.  She couldn't touch it because she knew that if she did, it would cut her to ribbons.  She stared at her reflection as if she'd never seen it before.  Nice to meet you, she thought, and a shrill laugh came out of her.  She knew now she was just barely hanging on.  God have mercy on me if I lose my grip, she prayed.    She slowly walked over to the sofa, plopped down, and stared at the bookcase.  Suddenly she laughed. That's me, she thought.  Like an old set of yard-sale encyclopedias with half the volumes missing.  Worn at the edges, pages torn, spine cracked from too much wear.  She had always wondered who bought those incomplete sets of books.  It slowly dawned on her that maybe they had the other half already, and those books might complete the set.  Never thought of that before, she said to herself.

 

With that thought, she slowly stood up, her body and mind begging her not to, and went to take a shower.